When I only wrote to my husband

I have never been so inconsistent in keeping up with my blog, but I’ll attribute the deserted posts to the fact that we haven’t had Internet in our home since we moved in. Blogging takes a back seat when precious Internet time is spent checking oh-so-important emails at the closest coffee shop. And it’s annoying.

It seems like I have spent a lot of the past year wanting and waiting for a lot of things. In the middle of Dahl Wedding chaos, my heart held desires for so many things that I could do nothing but wait for. And even now, as a married couple we wait for more.

Financial security.

A teaching job, come January.

Elimination of massive loans.

Travel across the ocean to reach lost hearts.

Direction.

With every family, couple, or individual who passes by and gains the things we so long to have, my heart can’t help but plant seeds of jealousy and want. But, as He usually does, the Lord calls my yearning heart toward something better. He reminds me that He is teaching us something through the wants and the waits.

This morning I found a box that held hundreds of pages of wanting and waiting. I called it my “Forever Box,” and it came to me a long time ago when my grandparents bought a coat from Forever21 and gave it to me in the box. Rather than throwing the sturdy box away, I used it to begin storing letters and momentos for my future husband… the man who is now my husband.

I wrote the first letter to my future husband when I was just 15. It was innocent, pure, and now extremely embarrassing (apparently text-talk was cool to write on paper in 2005), but it promised my husband that I was committed to waiting for him. For 7 more years, I wrote pages and pages of letters sharing with my husband and with Jesus just how excited or anxious I was about meeting my husband and staying disciplined enough to be committed to purity. Somehow, these letters and journals helped give my longing heart something to cling to because I knew that the Lord would one day provide what I wanted so badly. And if He did not provide a husband, I knew that I could be content because He had been with me through the whole waiting process and I needed no one else. When my heart gravitated toward other boys, and even when I dated D, I tried to keep my heart fixed on the man the Lord had planned for me through the contents of that little box. My waiting and wanting became subject to the Lord’s plans, timing, and ultimate will. Only His.

On our wedding day, D opened the box I had reserved for him. I wish so much that I had been able to see him open it, but I think the box encouraged and lifted MY heart more than  his because of the journey I traveled to get that box into his hands! Because I was willing to wait and put all my wants in Christ, He showed me how joyful life can be if we are completely satisfied in Him. He showed me that I don’t need a husband in order to be satisfied. As D read the letters from a 15- and 17-year-old Emily in the Dallas airport on the way to our honeymoon, I covered my face with my hands in embarrassment and cried in thankfulness. The Lord listened to my yearning heart and, in wisdom, waited until I had learned the lessons He had in store for me. And I am thankful.

God has always, always, always known what is best for us. He knows the right time, the right person, the best situations, and the perfect place for every.single.one.of.us. He knew that D would be the husband I wrote to for years, and He knew that our lives would look nothing like we had ever planned. He knows why we are in Louisville, looking for jobs that we never thought we’d want to do and budgeting tighter than we ever thought we’d need. He knows, and He wants us to wait to understand why on Earth we are just now finding these interesting changes of events. And He reminds me that He is sovereign over all of it by showing me journals that I wrote while waiting for my future husband.

So the only waiting that I’ll keep complaining about is waiting for my hair to dry- it takes 4 hours, people.

Year 1 of Engagement

D surprised me last night and came down to BG just to say hi and eat dinner with his fiance of one whole year last night- and it was so so SO great to see him! It’s crazy that this ring is already a year old:

I always thought it was kind of weird to celebrate the anniversary of an engagement, especially because I feel like engagements were not meant to ever be this long. But such is life, and we have really loved learning and growing so much in this season before entering into marriage! It all started with a pretty sweet Valentine’s Day date in 2010:

Then the greatest proposal on April 2, 2011:

And the adventure of engagement all the way up until now:

And in just 46 days, we’ll get married in this exact spot! Get excited, because we sure are:

Thankful for a sweet fiance and soon-to-be husband; He is a gift!

A pep talk for my last semester

School starts tomorrow, and I’m sitting here attempting to read each 25-page syllabus/do the readings (who gives homework before classes even begin?!?!), but all I’ve accomplished is making a pitcher of passion tea and breaking my heart to the sound of Boyce Avenue (just listen- http://youtu.be/GhFSgnvKqm4). Oh well. It is still break, after all.

College has been full of transitions- both smooth and abrupt- and it seems that college students just learn to brace themselves for every jerk of the ride. New friendships blossom at the beginning of every semester, often wilting as soon as someone transfers, graduates, or just plain gives up on school altogether. New dorm rooms and new professors at the start of each year. New freshman to make you realize how old you have gotten (and I couldn’t have possibly looked that small and immature when I was a freshman?!…). New classes at the beginning of every semester allow us to pick our new favorite seat and get a new reputation with the professor and the class. You decide your social fate on the very first day of class- if you are talkative and introduce yourself to those around you, you may make new friends to share notes/beg for help/complain about the class with… but if you keep to yourself on the first day, staring at the syllabus on your desk until the professor waltzes in to explain it, you probably will go in & out from class every day without even learning the name of the person next to you. The first day of class is always a new beginning. They are broken up by so many breaks and long car rides up & down I-65 and rolling suitcases and stuff you can pack easily that suddenly… everything begins to seem so temporary. So. Many. Transitions.

The big transitions are coming up for me in just 4 months. I’ll be leaving my apartment in Bowling Green which I share with 2 other girls, moving back to Louisville, living with a boy, living in Louisville, leaving my church, leaving WKU, student teaching in JCPS, then getting a big girl teaching job (Lord willing, in January!). Oh my goodness. Suddenly, I want to cherish that 8:00 a.m. class that I have tomorrow morning and the little apartment that I share with my sweet friends. I want to appreciate and find joy in the wedding planning process, and I want to enjoy being engaged until the day that we are married. I want to cherish the time I have left at my precious church, because I’m going to miss it so much when I leave. The last 4 years have been full of so many temporary things that I’ve dismissed with wishful “If only time could move faster”s and “I can’t wait”s. Rather than complaining, I’m praying that the Lord humbles me to realize that my season of singleness is a rare gem that I won’t get back come May 19. How will He use me until then?

I am so thrilled to find out how He’ll use me as a married woman, but until then… I pray that He’ll use me to His maximum potential in the time I have left as a single one.

In the meantime, I’m using this short amount of time I’ve got left before I get married to learn how to cook- I keep saying I’ll do it, but I’ve put it off. I took a Gourmet Foods class last year, which was a start, but I really am terrible at making food. So go to my “Operation Domestication” page (thank you for appreciating my creative title) to watch the process- I really hope it works out :) ha.

4 months. I’m ready now. Thank you for reading my mental pep talk to go read those syllabi and have a happy heart about it.

Finals and Foot Surgery

It’s 5 a.m., and I’m sitting here on the couch at home waiting for my drowsy pain meds to kick in. Finals week ended for me on Monday night in a flurry of packing, pacing, and cramming for the last English final of the semester. I rang in Christmas Break with foot surgery on both of my feet to straighten out the bunions on my big toes. I’d like to clarify for the world that my bunions are structural and hereditary issues- not those naaaasty callouses that form as a result of wearing heels one too many times. This chick doesn’t even like to wear heels. In fact, I don’t really even like feet.

This awesome man has been a champ- he’s watched me be way too giggly before surgery, when I almost answered the anesthesiologist’s question of “is there anything that hinders you from doing anything physically?” by saying “well, I can’t fly, if that’s what you mean.” (it was a lot funnier when I was on pain meds) He’s watched me cry way too much and mope way too much and demand for him to drag me around the house/bring me things. He’s the bomb.PS- I don’t have any recollection of this being taken. All I remember is that they played Justin Timberlake in the surgery room.

It’s been quite a week. I hardly remember now the blur of a week I just had studying for finals. However, here’s a recap of the 7th finals week of my college career:

• I scheduled one too many dinner dates with people, attempting to cram them all in before I left to go home. Oops. But it was well worth it :)
• On the first day of “my finals week” (last week), I gave 3 presentations. Every single one of them were made up on the fly, with Powerpoints as my guide. By the end of it, I felt full of myself and felt like I was standing on an enormous soapbox. Yeehaw.
• Let’s just say that I have had some issues with laptops this semester. The sound on this borrowed laptop and my headphones were seemingly “out of order.” Unfortunately, my go-to study spot is Barnes & Noble, and you would be surprised at how many people talk at an alarming noise level in that little cafe. Needless to say, I learned a lot about cat litter and honors thesis projects and a lady’s irritating rash over the last week…
• The night before a huge lesson was due, I camped out at Starbucks until they closed. I returned to the same table the next morning. Starbucks employee: “wait, did you stay here all night?” Yes, yes I did.
• Ladies and Gents, I pulled my first ever all-nighter on the night before 2 papers and one final were due! I got so much done- both papers, the final, some overdue sewing, etc. Who knew you could be so productive in the early morning hours? I began to rethink my decision as I sat in the food court at 7:45 a.m., waiting to go to work, staring blankly ahead and holding an uneaten Poptart. Early mornings (and long nights) make me do strange things, like eating a Poptart. I got a 97% on that dang paper, and my professor commented on it with “a very thorough and well-thought paper. a pleasure to read.” Ha.
• By Friday, I had found some awesome ways to procrastinate on any form of studying or paper-writing. Included: begging Erin to let me open my Christmas present, checking Facebook, complaining, Zumba, looking at high school photos, complaining, thrift store shopping, taking Photobooth pictures on D’s iPad, reading adoption blogs, complaining, etc…
• By Sunday, my brain had turned to mush, and I realized it officially when I listened to a song off JB’s Christmas album (given to me by a precious high school young lady!). The lyrics: “Leave me some cookies, I will eat them all.” What I thought it said: “If your lips were cookies, I would eat them all.”
• As I drove to my last final on Monday night, I left the music off in my car and didn’t talk to a soul on the way into class. My reasoning? I needed to attempt to hold in all the information that I just crammed into my brain, because it would fall out/get lost if I spoke or listened to anything else. That was a legitimate fear.

On today’s to-do list: sleep, eat, take medicine, get carried/dragged (drug?) to the bathroom, watch TV. Maybe I’ll even get around to reading a book or knitting- we shall see what I have time for ;)

Day 28: Highs/lows of 2011

I think it’s rather obvious what my highs have been for 2011- since January, I have gotten engaged, bought a wedding dress, and lived in Africa. Each of those things seemed like unattainable events of Future Emily- and it’s the oddest feeling for Present Emily to experience… almost surreal. I still can’t believe that my wedding dress is hanging up in a closet at home, waiting for me to put it on in just 5 months. On top of all that, I was able to really get involved in the elementary classroom and begin taking ESL classes, which has fired me up and gotten me entirely too excited about being a purposeful teacher someday.

Amidst this big flurry of exciting things, I’ve come to realize that Satan uses the blissful and happy moments as opportunities to creep inside, unnoticed. As I throw myself knee-deep in wedding planning and preparing for my classroom, Satan finds ways to bend my knees toward the ground in a position of worship to the things which demand my attention and love. Idols?

Throughout my teenage years, I just knew that my life would be perfect and complete once I got married. I would draw pictures of what I’d like my wedding dress to look like, make endless lists of qualities I wanted in a husband, and dream about finally meeting the man whom God had hand-picked just for me. It seemed that this husband would fulfill every desire and emotional need I had craved all my life; he would love me in a way that my young heart desired so much. When faced with bouts of loneliness and longing (nearly every day), my solace was found in the glimmer of hope which promised the Lord would one day send me the man I had been waiting for. I clung to that hope.

Now that I’m engaged, and can see the face of “the one my soul loves” (SoS 3:4), it would seem that my depths of loneliness have been eliminated. After all, He has given me a man who will fulfill my deepest emotional needs, right? I might venture to say, with high hopes that I won’t be misunderstood, that my sweet fiance has not made this loneliness go away. In fact, since being engaged, the feelings of loneliness and longing come back with sharp and intense pain.

Now, understand me when I say that D is more than I ever could have asked for in a future husband. He outscores the pages of requirement lists that I made in high school for my future husband, clearly & daily displaying love to me on even my worst days. I love him. So why is there still unmet longing and loneliness?

We finish Pride & Prejudice with our jaws on the floor. We wistfully wish that Mr. Darcy would waltz into a room, sweep us off our feet, and tell us everything we’ve ever dreamed a man would sweetly tell us. And when “Mr. Darcy” finally comes along, and he does all of those sweet things, we are still left with a chasm in the middle of our hearts. I can think of no other reason for this unanticipated loneliness than the fact that my fiance is not Jesus.

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” –Psalm 73:25-26

Although movies and books and people give me the impression that a man will satisfy my deep longing for love and affection, the Lord says that He will be my portion. Although I often walked through life with the assumption that my husband would give me all the love I would ever need, the Lord says that I will not be fulfilled unless my strength and portion are in Him. Once I realized that my portion and my strength lied in a earthly and fleshly man, I felt sucker-punched by Satan and despair for my relationship with Christ. I found that the harsh ground which Satan had driven my knees to was digging into my skin, causing cuts and bruises which infected my relationship with Christ. I had come to idolize an idea that had been planted in my head the first time I watched Cinderella.

The Lord loves me. He longs to show me love that no other man can provide for me- and it’s the kind of love that permeates to the deepest crevices of my little girl desires, where only God can find them and only He can satisfy them. He loves to show me affection, and He loves to provide me with good things- like a fiance who points me to God’s love, and a future career that I love- but He wants to be the ultimate means of my satisfaction. The One who created these desires loves to fulfill them.

I am overjoyed to be marrying a man whom I never could have even dreamed up. That is certainly my “high” for 2011. Walking hand-in-hand with this joy, however, lies the “low” of crushed hopes and ignored longings which I sought to fulfill through a man. I’m thankful to walk through life with D, and I’m thankful for the love that he so gently & sweetly showers on me… but I’m also thankful that the Lord is yanking those deep longings back to where they should be: directly pointed toward the Cross and the lavish love of Christ.

“How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose! . . . You drove them from me, You who are the true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place, You who are sweeter than all pleasure . . . O Lord my God, my Light, my Wealth, & my Salvation.”    –St. Augustine